


Lingering pain of winters past

by recklessJackass



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures, MSPaintAdventures
Genre: F/M, SADSTUCK MAJOR DEATH WARNING PREPOSTED.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-11-04
Packaged: 2017-12-31 13:02:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/recklessJackass/pseuds/recklessJackass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You wanted it just as much as she did. No, you're sure she wanted it more. You couldn't handle seeing the pain that followed every time, if only that was the only pain that had to be experienced.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lingering pain of winters past

Finally, after five years of you both trying, you finally had a baby. Six miscarriages and thirteen refused adoption agencies later, you and Jade had decided to give up on trying to have a child. Well, you did, really. You just couldn’t handle the pain she lied about not having anymore, every time she found out she was pregnant, only to have that ripped away from you both a few weeks later. The longest pregnancy she had until then was five months long, and even then, the baby’s heart just stopped, just like that. Jade seemed to think it was all her fault. Her body was refusing to accept a new organism growing inside her, and when it was finally alright with it, her cells would start attacking the baby’s cells. Her tears always got to you, it just became too much to handle, so you made her agree to stop trying altogether.

You had to admit, you always were a bit jealous of John and Rose after the game. Kanaya eventually broke it off with Rose, seeming to prefer Vriska’s company after Jane resurrected her. Terezi certainly had no problem rekindling her and Karkat’s matespritship after he got his ass kicked by Gamzee for standing up for her. And all of them already had kids, or grubs, in the trolls terms, within the last several years. John and Rose the winners of the lot, having had three kids over the last seven years. They got married two years before you and Jade did, and started on the kids bus right away. They have the fraternal twins, Jace and Rori, named after John’s ‘dad’ and Rose’s ‘mom’, and the baby boy, Casey. Rose tends to get cocky with you two after she had her kids, and you never understood why. She lost her first kid before her and John were even married, after all. You’d think she’d be a bit more understanding. 

The first miscarriage wasn’t her fault. You do think, however, that it’s what messed her system up the most. She was three months along, and she was headed to work. You weren’t there, and that part kills you the most, because you could have helped her. According to the report, some pricks grabbed her and started beating her. Of course, she was able to overpower them and kick their asses before they could do anything even worse to her, but at the cost of the baby. It was those disgusting bastards fault and you refuse to believe any other reasoning. You would have killed them if those cops hadn’t stopped you from it once you were at the station.

You did want this, you wanted a baby, just like Jade did, only you think she wanted it more. It broke you inside when you learned that you might not be able to give that to her. After all the trouble you both had gone through together after you all won the game and were thrown back into the human world as if nothing ever happened. Her cancer scare, her various sicknesses she always got after moving to the city. You guessed that it was due to her living on the island so long, without all the germs of the big city, she probably hardly ever had a chance to get sick enough to build up her system. 

She always fought her way through it, however, and you admired her for that. You could remember a time back when your Bro was still alive and you had gotten a cold. He wanted to strife and you plain all didn’t want to get out of bed. Eventually you did strife him, of course, and he kicked your ass, but if you were Jade, you would have strifed him no matter how much pain you were in.

You remember the day you found out she was pregnant again, this time with a baby that wasn’t going to go. You can recall how upset she looked when she told you.  
‘Dave…’ ‘’Sup babe?” ‘…. I’m pregnant… again….’  
You remember how she was contemplating even telling you, thinking for sure that she was just going to lose this baby as well and that she’d be disappointing you by even mentioning it. Ever since the game, she’s just seemed to be so worried about disappointing everyone. She didn’t even tell anyone when she was terrified that she was going to die of cancer. Of course, later, you found out that she was more afraid of living it. That she didn’t know if you all could die after the game, and that since illness didn’t seem just or heroic, she could have ended up coming back to life, only to die repeatedly in the same devastating pain over and over until she went into pure insanity, and how she did not wish for any of you to deal with that. 

You loved her for it, however. You’ve always loved her, even when you refused to admit it. You had never been happier than on your wedding day when she finally agreed to be yours forever. The way her hair flowed down past her hips and how that dress fit her just right, gasping with every breath due to the corset she wore underneath. You actually wish she had worn her glasses on that day over the contacts she chose to wear instead after Rose’s meddling. She was beautiful either way, though, in fact, you could say she was perfect. The most perfect person you could ever have seen. And you loved her, with every ounce of your soul.

You can remember all the months leading up to your daughter’s birth. The first several went along smoothingly. With every month that went by without an issue, Jade seemed to get calmer, happier, even. You were surprised at her lack of enthusiasm when she initially found out, and the fear laced between each of her words when she first told you, but you were happier now that she was clearly getting excited. All those baby store sales and the clothes she so desperately wished came in her size as well. She didn’t want to wear matching clothes with the baby, thankfully, she just thought that the clothes were really pretty, which always made you smile; a real, non-ironic smile that always caused her to lean up and peck your lips. You’d always return the pecks with a full, closed mouth kiss, at least when you were in public. You’d wrap your arms around her and pull her close to you, which in the more recent months had lead you to feeling her baby bump, which made you laugh, if you’re honest. 

You liked nights the best, when you and Jade could just sit together on the couch or on the bed and watch either classic movies or just really shitty ones, laughing together while you rubbed her tummy. You never failed to kiss the side of her forehead, and eventually lean down to kiss her tummy. You’d whisper little things here and there to the baby, you knew she probably couldn’t hear you, but you wanted her to be able to hear the sound of your voice.

Around the final few months of her pregnancy, you noticed a major change in Jade. The bubbliness she finally reaquired was gone once again. She was severely tired all the time, and not a normal, pregnancy tired like you saw Rose having over and over. It was a sickly tired. She hardly even got out of bed anymore. You were used to doing most of the cooking and tried to do most of the cleaning and chores, mostly because you wanted her to have a break once and a while, even if she was always ready to do everything herself, so that wasn’t much of a change. It was strange, however. You always did give her breakfast in bed, and you loved watching her smile as she sat up to start eating. Her smile wasn’t as bright anymore, she’d give you a small, clearly faked smile as she sat up, which she seemed to have trouble doing now. 

Whenever you asked if she was alright, she’d always claim to be fine. She said she was just tired, and that it was hard growing a life inside her. It’s not like you were the one going through with the pregnancy, and Rose said it was different for every woman. Still, it just didn’t feel right. She didn’t even want you to join her for her appointments anymore. The last appointment you got to go to was when they told you the gender of your baby, that you were having a girl. You were both ecstatic about that, Jade most likely because she could buy girly clothes for the baby that she wouldn’t put on a boy unless he later decided he wanted to wear it, and you because that meant the baby would probably be stronger than you, maybe even as strong as Jade. 

You and Jade were thinking over possible names, then, and agreed that if the Doctor was wrong like they were about Dave’s gender at birth (They said he was to be a girl), they’d name him after Dave’s Bro, and middle named him after Jade’s grandfather, naming him Dean Jack Strider and if it was really a girl, which Dave especially hoped for, they’d name her Anne. Anne Elizabeth Strider. 

By the eighth month, Jade was looking almost sickly. The only real sign of life she had was the baby growing in her. She was paler, thinner, her lips were cracked. She was constantly cold, eventually leading to you buying a bunch of blankets to try heating her up. When you finally hired a doctor to come check up on her, he claimed it was just the baby getting bigger and healthier, and that Jade would go back to normal after she gave birth.

You still snuggled close to Jade every night, kissing her forehead and belly before pretending to go to sleep, secretly checking up on her throughout the night. Whenever you kissed her lips, they tasted like copper. Her tongue didn’t hold any warmth anymore. She barely felt like a human anymore, her warmth was leaving her. 

At one point, you swore you heard her crying. You came into your shared room and checked up on her. You could tell she had by the wetness on her cheeks and the redness of her eyes, but she denied it, and you forced yourself to let it go. You didn’t want to upset her by asking questions.

Near the end of the eighth month, you confronted her, telling her that she needed to go to the hospital. You refused to risk losing her, and couldn’t deal with the thought. She tried gasping out an answer, but a sudden strangled yelp came out instead. She weakly placed her hand over her stomach and tried getting out of bed, leading you to quickly go to her side and help her up. She told you that she thinks her water just broke, which leads you to helping her get dressed quickly and grabbing a bag for the hospital. You seated her in the car before going to grab another bag, one with your things, and then you rushed her over to the hospital as quickly as you could. 

All was going well during the labor, she was warmer than she had been in over a month, and she was looking more alive than she had in a long while. It was all looking well. She smiled as they announced that she had given birth to a healthy baby girl, and they let you hold the baby after they cleaned her off. You smiled as you looked down at her, moving closer to Jade and leaning down so she could see the baby. She was able to lightly touch the baby’s cheek, but then that was it. Jade closed her eyes, and her hand fell. You called out her name as question, but then a nurse took the baby out of your arms, you asked what was going on as they escorted you out of the room, hearing them mention that she was losing too much blood.

You waited, you kept waiting. You were waiting for so long that John and Rose, even Karkat and Terezi, managed to arrive and greet you. John was eager to congratulate you and Jade, and seemed to be the last to notice that you were crying. He only realized it when he noticed everyone else was quiet, and when you moved your face away from your hands. You weren’t wearing your shades at that moment, why would you? You were supposed to be happy, supposed to be next to your wife while looking over your child. Instead, they took your child from your arms and told you to leave the room. You had no idea what they were doing to Jade, or if she was alright. Rose sat next to you and tried to console you first, Karkat giving a good shot at trying next, John afterwards, and even Terezi joined in later. 

The nurse came back, but when you looked up at her, you could tell something was wrong, something you should have realized was wrong months ago when Jade started looking sick. She said Jade wanted to see you, only you, and she didn’t have a lot of time left. The doctors were trying to help her, but she sent them away and asked you to come in instead. 

When you came in, her glasses were on the bedside table. It was obvious she couldn’t see, because she asked if it was you when you entered in. You nodded and said yes, quickly sitting next to her. She leaned her hand out, and you took it between your own, tears still streaming out of your eyes. 

 

“Dave… I’m so happy… We finally have a family together…” You couldn’t help but let out a choked laugh at that, but it was muffled by your sobs. “Yeah, but you really shouldn’t be talking, Jade. You gotta use that energy to relight those sick fires in your body y’know?” Jade shook her head, her heart monitor slowing down all the while. “No, Dave.. you know that isn’t true. You shouldn’t lie to yourself.. you should be happy… I finally was able to give you what you wanted..” “Please, for fucks sake Jade, please don’t say shit like that. I’d never of wanted this if I knew it would have hurt you so much,” you forced the words out between sobs. Her voice was so quiet, and it was clear she was in a ton of pain, it astonished you how she kept that smile. 

“Dave, please..” Your grip on her hand tightened, as did your need for air as you cried. You refused to let her go, you couldn’t, she couldn’t leave you, not now, not after you finally had what she’s been trying for so long to have. “You have to take care of her for me, just, make sure Anne is alright. Be the loving father I know you are. You’re gonna be the best dad that ever lived!””And you’ll be the best damn mother in the world, you’ve just got to stop talkin’ and rest up, you need to get better. Be like you were in the game, never let anything ever take you down, you can fight this Jade, you always--” “Dave-” “God damnit Jade, please! You can’t fucking leave us!” You end up shouting, but it doesn’t faze her. “Dave… I’ve known this was going to happen for months, I didn’t want to hurt you like this, but I-I thought it would be wo-rse if..” She started having trouble finishing her words, only causing you to stand up, holding her hand close to you with an even tighter grip while leaning over her. “T-theres something I left f-for you in the car, i-in the gl-ove compartment… A-and I-I… I nee-eed you t-to do this, f-for our fam-mily... P-please…” You gave in, you had to. You knew deep down you didn’t have enough time to argue with her, and if she couldn’t live through this, you wanted her to go out happily. “…Alright, Jade. Alright..” You finally said, and you leaned down, pressing your lips against hers lightly, feeling her smile against your mouth. 

“T-thank you, l-love…. A-and… goodbye, coolkid…” You heard her breathing halter, and the heart monitor start on one continuous sound. You pressed your lips harder to hers, just the smallest glimmer of hope in your mind as you prayed, prayed that she’d be alright, that maybe this would wake her dreamself up, even though you knew hers was dead long before the game even began. That maybe this was like in those shitty fairytales Bro used to read to you, that if you kissed her long enough, she’d wake up perfectly fine. All that was happening was your tears marring her pale cheeks, your broken sobs pushing into her lips. One of your hands was on her face, pressing it closer to you in hopes that she would wake up, while the other was still holding her own, feeling the warmth she still had. “Jade please, please wake up, wake the FUCK up!” The doctors came in and started pushing you away from her, trying their hardest to start her heart up again. You ended up being pushed out of the room, only to fall onto your knees outside the door, broken in tears. “God damnit, Harley, wake up, fucking hell, please just wake up.”

***

“Daddy!” He heard a soft voice calling out to him, shaken as she shouted for him to wake up. He felt her hands on his shoulders, gently trying to shake him, trying to wake him up. Dave opened his eyes, and they set on his daughter, Anne. She was seven now, and she really was looking to be even more beautiful. She had Jade’s hair and general facial structure, but Dave’s teeth and eyes. He could see worry gracing her face as he sat up. “Daddy, I could hear you screaming all the way in my room! Are you okay?” He shook his head. “Bad dream, that’s all, sweetheart.” “…. Was it another one about mom?” She caught him. “..Yeah.” “Daddy, why won’t you ever tell me what happened to her?” “… I will, sweetie… Just not today… What time is it?” “Seven eighteen..” “Alright, how about I go make us some breakfast?” “… Okay…”

 

***  
It’s been fifteen years and five months since she died. Dave took up his old position as a DJ once again, he needed something to take his mind off of things. Officially, Anne was old enough to stay home alone, but Dave still called up Rose and John’s place and asked if Jase or Rori could watch over her. He preferred her having the company of at least her cousin over.  
He was working then, and Anne and Jase were home alone together. Anne had taken it upon herself to help around the house, even though Dave never really approved of it. He didn’t want her working too hard on anything, and always took her to a checkup every six months. Her hair was long and dark, her eyes still a bright shining ruby shade. Dave always asked her if she was alright in school, he never wanted her to feel hurt or bullied in any way there. She was it, she was his only living reminder of Jade, and she was their daughter. He’s risk his own life a thousand times over to make sure she was alright.

“Are you sure you’re allowed in your dad’s room when he’s not home, Annie?” “It’s Anne, Jason, and yes. Whenever daddy isn’t home, I change out his sheets for him. He gets upset over it sometimes, but he just doesn’t really seem to want me to do much of anything besides my homework and guitar playing..” Jase sighed. “Damn, I wish I had your dad. My dad makes Rori and I do all the chores in the house.” “Well, you are nineteen and still living at home free of rent.” “I’ve had to do it since before I was your age! Mom called us free labor!” Jase joked. Anne couldn’t help but laugh as she stripped the bed of its sheets, hearing something fall off the side of the bed. 

“Jase, what did you just do?” She asked, walking over to where she heard the crash. Jase claimed he didn’t do anything. Anne saw a small, black book lying on the floor. She leaned down and picked it up, noticing that it was thicker than she originally thought. She turned the book to its front and read the title. “It’s a photo album.” She stated, opening it up to the first page. “I didn’t think we had one of these.” “That’s a bit weird, Annie. What’s in it? Is it your dad’s secret porn collection or something?” Anne would have sent a glare over to Jase, had she not seen the pictures she had. “…. I think… this is mom…” Anne noticed just how much the girl in the pictures looked like her, only with bright green eyes instead of red ones, and large, round frame glasses gracing her. 

Anne looked through all the pages, finding pictures of her parents first date, all the way to their wedding day. She found a few of when they got their house, and even a few of when she was pregnant, in fact, several of those. Most of them seemed to disappear quickly, which Anne found odd. She found the most recent and last photos of Jade, even one taken at the hospital. Anne’s mouth was opened, and her eyes started watering as she saw the scene. She skipped to the last page and found a photo that wasn’t tucked into a holder. She noticed it was worn down much more than the others were, she couldn’t even see what the picture was of. She was about to close the book when the last photo fell out, she quickly picked it up, and realized that there was writing on the back.  
“What’s that say, Annie?” Jase asked, sitting next to his cousin on the bed as she placed the book between them, holding the photo with both hands as she read the letter, the last letter Jade left to Dave.

“Dave, I’m sorry it had to end this way. I know how much you wanted a child, and I was already too far along when I realised I wouldn’t make it out of the pregnancy. Please watch over our child the way you watched out for me all these years. Protect her, help her, and remember that she’s human, she’ll make mistakes and that’s okay! Please don’t be mad that I chose to give my life for hers, just make sure she gets to keep it. I don’t want my sacrifice to be in vain. Please don’t tell her about this. It might even be best to just not let her know about me at all. I know she’s our daughter, and she’ll have a right to know, but let her find out on her own accord. I love you with all my heart, and maybe one day I’ll see you again. Just promise me one last thing, try to move on. You can’t stay locked on me forever. Your loving wife, Jade Strider.” 

Anne wasn’t sure when the tears started falling down her cheeks, she barely even noticed it when Jase put his hand on her shoulder and called her name. When she finally looked towards Jase, she noticed her father standing in the door of the room. She gently placed the photograph on the photoalbum. She stood up and ran to Dave, hugging him tightly and crying into his chest. 

“I-I.. I’m so sorry, Dad! I’m so so sorry!”

**Author's Note:**

> Oh gosh I was really getting emotional while writing this I kept crying while trying to write the final scene and I had to tone it down majorly from what happened because of the emotional turmoil it shoved me into. Hope you enjoyed!  
> Also check out this art my friend did that inspired me to actually finish writing this despite the turmoil. http://kuruoshiki-futago.tumblr.com/post/66007447018/this-was-sort-of-a-request-for-harleystime-okay


End file.
